Intimacy

2009.10.20

I started crying last night because I couldn’t see Your face or feel Your arms around me. Why is it that the more we pursue, the harder it gets?

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what’s wrong with me

Random nugget of gold

This is a little random, but God gave me a great dream last night.

I remember I was sitting at a row of computers working on this project thing with IV people around me and a girl I didn’t really know to my right. For some reason I thought of the twinkies (I have no idea why) and asked her if her name was Eunice. She looked annoyed and told me her name was Elaine (but not the Elaine that I knew). She was the most obnoxiously annoying person I’ve ever met.

The project we were working on was some 3D collaborative project (for who knows) and Elaine pulled up the file I was working on and modifying, which meant that I couldn’t work on it at the same time. I told her that she could just save the file with another name and work on it if she wanted, but she insisted on bothering me. Somehow, I was able to contain my anger and move on. Finally, Elaine said she had to go somewhere and got up and left.

In the next scene, I was in this wide cafeteria-like setting and JT was setting up plates of slices of cakes on these long tables. I started to steam and rant to myself about Elaine, getting angrier and angrier until 1 Cor. 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

popped up in my head. After reciting that verse to myself, I started feeling a lot calmer. I decided to sit somewhere along the table and eventually people started filling it up. Then, Elaine came and, what do you know, the only spot left was in front of me. She looked kind of displeased and reluctant to sit in that particular seat and, instead feeling annoyed or angry, I just grinned widely and waved at her.

Afterwards, we started talking and things went well…

–

I can’t really remember what happened next because Angus called me before I reached a conclusion, but the dream had already made its point. I realized later that God was with me the entire time. Throughout every ordeal, through all of my actions, God was there. He was ever-present and guiding me to do the right things. I was experiencing the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control towards someone who seemed like my enemy. It was absolutely wonderful.

Now, if only I can translate that to the real world…

P.S. memorizing scriptures really works!!! My dream is proof of that

No one else

Lately I’ve been feeling burdened by a lot of things (homework, contemplating my future, etc.) but I’ve also been struggling with accepting how God created me as a person. A lot of negative thoughts go through my head, thoughts about how stupid I am, about how much I fail at life, about how I don’t deserve anything worthwhile, and I often wonder why God chose me. Why me? There are plenty of other more capable people besides me who can do a better job. Why was I chosen…when my sister wasn’t?

I think on the outside I seem perfectly fine and optimistic, but these thoughts were really eating away at me. I know God made me who I am for a reason, that I am both fearfully and wonderfully made, but I still had a hard time accepting that.

But then, this song keeps popping up in my head at random times. I remember singing it most clearly a while ago at Intervarsity (maybe a year ago? Sonya was singing it) and I was really moved by it. Recently, I bought a Hillsong CD and was listening through it yesterday, but it wasn’t until today that I realized how much I liked this song, and how much I can relate to it.

After I did my QT I sang this song to God. I was trying to place a word for the feeling I felt afterwards, and then realized I was content. I was okay with who God made me: imperfect. God will shine through those cracks and His power will be made perfect in our weaknesses.

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Jesus is the only one for me. My faith, my strength, my trust, my identity is found in Him.

In the quiet
In the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos in confusion
I know You’re sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forever more

It’s been a while…

Just some garbled thoughts from my past 2 QTs:

Ecclesiastes 1

Everything in life is meaningless if it’s not centered on God. All the worries and burdens I’ve had about work, school, recognition, etc. are there because I’ve let them become more important to me than God.

Pleasures are meaningless. All this energy I put forth to make my own life better, to have a good job out of college, to live happily and comfortably, all this studying, doing homework, working hours on projects, working hours on improving portfolios, resumes, applications, will go to waste and be meaningless if done apart from God. One day, my life will end and all the things I did for myself will end with me.

But if, instead, I follow the will of God, live the life He’s called me to live, He will grant me my heart’s desires, desires I’m not even aware of , and grant me a life I can’t even begin to imagine because it’s beyond my comprehension. And I will store up riches in Heaven that will not die with my earthly body, but instead, last for eternity.

Heavenly Father, I know all this, but I’m still having problems entrusting my life to You. I’ve been so burdened by the thoughts of what I need to get done and worries of my career path.

I’m having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning because I like laying there fantasizing about the ideal life and pleasures I’m not able to have now, a life that only I think is best for me, a life that doesn’t seem to have You in it.

I get so caught up and worried about my future that sometimes I even feel like You are getting in the way.

But what do I know? Who am I??? Nothing. There’s absoutely no meaning in my toil if You aren’t part of it.

Please (please please!) help me realize this! Christ, be the center of my life! Help me to be so excited to meet You in the morning that I can’t help but jump out of bed and immerse myself in Your Word.

Help me to lay my burdens down at Your feet and let You carry them for me. You said:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Lord, I come to You. I’m on my knees before You. You are the author of my life, not me.

Whiter than the snow

I’ve been meaning to post this, but I’ve seriously been sooooo busy for the past few days. I wanted to do a Christmas post too, but maybe later. URBANA IS TOMORROW!!! And I need to go to sleep; I have to leave for the airport at 6 am and it’s already 1:31 -_-;;; I don’t know what to expect out of Urbana, so I’ll just let God do His work and not think too much about it

—

My mom got baptized on Sunday (12/20). She described her childhood growing up as the shy, youngest daughter in a Christian family. At one point in her testimony, she talked about the big car accident I got into almost 3 years ago right before my own baptism. It felt like a repeat of the past again, because I also talked about the accident as my testimony.

She described the details of the entire event, about how I was taking a van full of kids back home, about how I came across a set of parallel lights, about how I saw the green in the distance and missed the red that was in front of me, about how I ran into the side of the white SUV, about how the SUV flipped several times before stopping, about how both cars were totaled…

…and about how we sustained only minor cuts and bruises, about how the lady in the SUV came out of her car and tried to calm the kids down, about how everyone was somehow okay after the whole ordeal. And then she asked, “How can this miracle happen without God’s hand at work?” (in Chinese, I’m just paraphrasing). And I finally realized why God allowed that accident to happen.

This was one of the songs we sang during every baptism, though it’s not until now that I find myself singing it whenever I feel like I need His power to captivate my thoughts and make it obedient to Him.

It’s Your blood that cleanses me,

It’s Your blood that gives me life,

It’s Your blood that took my place

In redeeming sacrifice.

Washes me whiter than the snow,

Than the snow.

My Jesus, God’s precious sacrifice.

My prayer

I’m about to head out for lunch, but before I leave, I wanted to share a verse that came to me when I deeply needed. It’s a verse that I read whenever I’m troubled or repenting, and now I refer to it as my prayer:

In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth.

Psalm 31:1-5

Love me

The past few days (or weeks, I should say) have been pretty tough. Not tough in the sense of hardships per se, but tough in the sense that the end times were near and every freaking thing is due in less than 2 weeks. Gah.

It’s a lot better now though. After 5 pm today was the first time since Thanksgiving Break that I didn’t have anything pressing to work on. My health has been really bad too, considering how little sleep I got and the meals I skipped left and right. It’s no surprise that I lost weight again. I’m not doing a very good job taking care of the Spirit’s holy temple that’s one of the many areas that I need to work on.

On the other hand, I’m starting to feel that closeness with God that I’ve been yearning for again. It’s an immense blessing to have Twig and Ines here to fellowship with and have fun with. They really are like sisters to me. Ha! It’s interesting to think about it that way. Not only do we share the same Father in Heaven, but our bonds are also strengthened by Him so that we can call each other sisters.

We had fun studying together over the weekend. Surprisingly, the three of us stayed pretty focused on our work for a while (until night time, haha). We went out, into a very chilly night, to eat Pho, because Twig wanted something light and a steaming hot bowl of noodles sounded great to me.

Oh those girls are so shameless LOL.

I’ve been praying to God about having a talk with someone. Thank you Twig and Ines

—

Something else I’ve been thinking about.

I was on the way to my class this morning in a state of panic, which was probably a result of the combination of lack of sleep and working on my presentation to the very last minute. This was my only class of the day since I already turned in my final project for Lighting and took my Software Engineering exam on the earlier day (see, it wasn’t all because of procrastination!) and I REALLY didn’t want to be late. So while searching frantically for a parking spot, I was praying for God to provide me one close to the Johnnson building, and while powerwalking to class I kept repeating in my head, under my breath “Oh God, oh God, oh Jesus” not so much out of thankfulness or reverence than it was for the feeling of my toes freezing off (don’t you find it funny how people start praying to God when they’re in dire need, even when they’re not Christians?).

Anyways, the point is, the reason why I was in a state of panic was because I was so worried about my presentation and getting a good grade in that class.

What I learned during the past few Sunday morning services has really struck me as true. We think we know what we want and what will make us happy, be it good grades, our dream job, an attractive boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever. And then we pray to God about that. But, as was stated in Twig’s post of Clement’s post, God cares less about our comfort than he does about our character. Only He knows what is best for us.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5

You wish that you have better clothes and material objects, but what more can you want when I’ve already given you my Son?

You worry about getting a 4.0 this semester, but if you follow me I will give you spiritual fruits that will last your lifetime.

You worry about having a good-paying job in the future, but if you follow me I will lead you down a path to eternal riches in Heaven.

And all I ask of you is this:

Love me. Love my creation. Follow me.

So we say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?”

those who believe

I’ve been neglecting IVCF for the past few weeks for reasons like being sick or too busy with schoolwork. I really miss the fellowship and feel distanced from both God and my close sisters in Christ. While I’m looking towards things of the world like grades and success, I’m quickly losing sight of God. Having already tasted His goodness and love in the past, right now I’m trampling over Jesus’ sacrifice as I’m falling away.

…

Lord, I can’t do it alone. I need your help. I’ve been washed clean by the blood of your son, that’s why I desire to be a pure daughter for you. Sin can’t have a strong hold on me anymore.

You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while,

“He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.”

But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.

Hebrews 10:34-39

In a side note in my study bible, “those who shrink back” were described as those who drift away, harden their hearts, fall short, fall away, throw away their confidence, or don’t persevere. I felt like a mallet was hitting me over the head with each example. I don’t want to be one who shrinks back from my faith. I don’t want to be like so many other lukewarm Christians out there, saying they believe in God while walking in a completely different direction.

In pursuing the world, I have become a zombie who can only do homework. I have lost the joy that I once had in delighting in the Lord’s goodness, in being filled with his blessings every day. It’s like I’ve been dragged beneath the water and the pressure and lack of breath is slowly suffocating me.

I need You, Lord. I can’t live apart from you anymore, not like this. I need You now more than anything else.

double post!

So I’ve been sick for a few days now. This is a very bad time for me to be sick since I have all these projects hanging over my head like an impending storm. My eyes are really sensitive so I can’t stare at the computer screen for too long, which poses quite a problem sine much of my work are computer-intensive (especially my lighting and texturing project).

But there’s one positive thing that’s come out of this sickness.

When I’m munching on something, I typically pull up a manga online to read so that I’m not doing nothing while I’m eating. However, recently manga has been a big distraction to me and I can tell that it’s an addiction. But now, since I can’t stare at the computer screen for too long, I read my Bible instead, haha. Thank you Lord. I don’t know if this illness is your doing, but whatever it is, you’re using it to draw me closer to you.

—

Mannnn, I’ve been getting 9+ hours of sleep lately. Why am I still so sleepy???